


This Day Without You

by Amazon Life (BlankLiterature)



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Angst, F/F, Heavy Angst, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 16:43:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2236173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlankLiterature/pseuds/Amazon%20Life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remy and Allison were together for a while, then Allison left unexplainedly. It's Christmas Eve and Remy is hoping for a visit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Day Without You

**Author's Note:**

> The song is Dark Road, by the amazing Annie Lennox. You might want to check it out 1. because it's a beautiful song; 2. because it might help to set the mood.  
> This is angsty all the way.  
> Trigger warning for mentions of suicidal thoughts.

It's been so long since I last saw you, so long since you decided you couldn't do this and left me, since you just went away with no intention of coming back. I don't know exactly how long ago that was, because it has all been just a blur since. I don't have a realistic notion of time, or of anything actually, anymore. But I know it was way too long. I know I should have moved on already; I know I had more than enough time to grieve and come to accept it and forget you and just move on. And truly, most of the time, I think that I have achieved that. But then something happens, something makes me think of you, and I realize that, no, I haven't.

This time, it's because it's Christmas Eve. It's because of our lives and our pasts and how the two of us had always hated this date. It's because we only stopped hating it once we started spending it together. It's because we promised to spend it together for the rest of our lives. Or should I say, for the rest of my life. I'm still very much alive, though... but you're not here.

For a week now, I have been waiting for you to arrive. I know it's completely unrealistic, I try to tell my own self that. But my heart jumps at every noise, and I'm pretty sure my mind is making things up, because I have lost count of the number of times I thought I heard footsteps approaching. But no one ever came. Still, my heart leaps at the mere possibility that it's you. You've never broken any other promise you made me. So why would I think you'd break this one? But on the other hand... why would I think you wouldn't, if I haven't as much as heard from you in months? You wouldn't really come here just to spend Christmas with me, would you? Deep down, though... I'm still waiting for you.

_It's a dark road and a dark way that leads to my house_  
 _And the word says you're never going to find me there, oh no_  
 _I've got an open door, it didn't get there by itself_  
 _It didn't get there by itself_

Some time ago, doubting a promise you made me would be unthinkable. It wouldn't even cross my mind. And now, it hurts me that, not only I do, but I'm pretty sure it's the right thing to think. It seems like I don't know you anymore, like you're a different person completely. Like you forgot all we've lived together, and all we've shared with each other. Like you forgot what we used to feel for each other; what I still feel for you.

We used to have something... We used to have something so special. But now there's not even a 'we' anymore. And I don't have a single thing. If you were here, if you heard me say this... you'd try to convince me otherwise. You'd try to show me all the wonderful things that I have, as you always did. Problem is, even you would have a hard time finding anything wonderful in my life at the moment; or at least anything that could compare to the wonder that was having you. Everything else seems pale and dull in comparison. Everything else is just nothing.

You'd also try to give me some hope, as you also always did. You'd try to tell me I've got so much ahead; that alone would be a lie. You'd try to tell me I'll find someone else as well, wouldn't you? Well, no, thanks. You know very well I have never felt for anyone else what I've felt for you. And sincerely, I don't want to. You can only have love like that once in your life. So I'll just do what I have to do on my own. I always have before, haven't I?

_There's a feeling, but you're not feeling it at all_  
 _There's a meaning, but you're not listening any more_  
 _I look at that open road, I'm gonna walk there by myself_

Deep down, I know it. I know I'm meant to be alone. And I know that's the right way to be for me. What was I expecting, after all? That you'd just stay with me until I die? That you'd subject yourself to taking care of an invalid, knowing the end was no other than death? I was most definitely out of my mind when I ever thought that would work.

But on the other hand... of course I wasn't thinking straight. Because it was you. You. And you took away all my thinking capacity. Because whenever there was you, you were all I could think about. Being with you, kissing you, touching you. I never wanted anything else. I never thought of anything else. It was just you, and that was all that mattered.

But it was stupid. It was selfish. I should have known it all along. But it was wonderful. It was all I needed and so much more. I should have known it all along.

_And if you catch me, I might try to run away_  
 _You know I can't be there too long_  
 _And if you let me, I might try to make you stay_  
 _Seems you never realize a good thing till it's gone_

And I can't shake the feeling that it was all my fault. That I didn't do enough. That I wasn't good enough. I wasn't what you needed in a partner. You deserved better than me, I always knew that; but I was fooled into thinking that you couldn't see that. Perhaps you finally realized it, and that's why you left? I know I asked you, and I know you denied it. I know you told me it had nothing to do with me, it only had to do with your own self, and assured me I was amazing and you loved me... but still that wasn't enough to keep you here, was it? I wasn't enough.

I try to search for reasons, any reasons. Reasons other than me at first; but I couldn't find any. You never gave any signs that you weren't happy with me, but you never gave any signs that something else was bothering you either. One day, you just told me you were leaving. I couldn't think of any other reason why. So it's bound to have been me. Something I did, something I said, something I didn't do, something I didn't say. Or just... me.

I rethink and retrace all of my steps during the couple of months before you left over and over again. I make a list of all the things I did wrong. How could I have been so terrible? I feel like a monster for every little things I did, even if I rationally know none of it was really that bad, or enough to make you stop loving me. But why the hell did I have to forget to hang the damn towel?

I don't know, I just don't know anymore. And I'm pretty sure I'm losing my mind, but who cares anyway? That's already expected from me, that I start to literally lose my mind sooner or later, isn't it? Plus... there's no one here to witness it. But I wish I could fix it. I wish I could just go back in time to fix every single one of those little things that could have made you leave me. I obsess over each of them and how I would change it and make you love me again... but I can't do a thing.

_Maybe I'm still searching, but I don't know what it means_  
 _All the fires of destruction are still burning in my dreams_  
 _There's no water that can wash away this longing to come clean_

And to be true... I'm tired of trying. I'm just sick of all of this, of all this mess that was created by your absence, that I can't seem to be able to rid myself of. I can't stand all these spaces that used to be filled with nothing but you, but now are full with sorrow and nothing more. I just want to end it. End everything.

In an ideal world, I'd just move on. I'd find someone else, something else to occupy my mind. I'd get up and start again, and enjoy the years of my life that I still have ahead of me. I'd do the best with this little time I have. I'd be happy and easygoing and carefree. That's how I'd end this sadness.

But truth be told... we know that's not who I am. I'm not the cheerful one. I've never been and will never be. I was only ever close to being cheerful when you were around, because you made it impossible for everyone not to be happy. Your light was enough to have me all bubbly. But without you, there's no way I can do this. No way I can have any sort of joy.

And by now, I'm pretty sure I'm really, really insane, and just one step away from losing my mind... but I can't see any other way out. I have searched them all, all the possible solutions... and this is the only one who seems to be able to do the trick. To make all this pain stop. And it wouldn't be that bad if I did it, would it? I mean... who would miss me? Who would sincerely miss me? No one even remembers I exist... No one even cares to wish me a Merry Christmas. Plus... I'd only be making it happen a few years earlier. A decade in the most. It's not like it would make such a difference.

After all... Christmas Eve is as much a day to die as any other, right?

_I can't find joy within my soul, it's just sadness taking hold_  
 _I want to come in from the cold, and make myself renewed again_  
 _It takes strength to live this way,the same old madness everyday_  
 _I want to kick these blues away, I want to learn to live again_

I wonder if there's anything on the other side. If I'll see you. If you, or the version of you I'll see, will love me there. The thought crosses my mind, but I don't really lose too much time on it. It's supposed to be good, right? So I know that either you'll be with me there, or I won't miss you somehow. Not missing you... Now that's something that I've even forgotten how it feels. Not feeling as empty as I do. Not feeling like a part of me has been ripped and is constantly bleeding. That thought alone is enough to convince me. Nothing can be worse than this.

Just as I get up from the couch to start looking for something to help me, I hear the noise of keys being ruffled, followed by what sounds like the front door being opened. I wonder if I'm really that crazy, or if there's any chance that you really came back for me.

I guess I'll find it in a minute. In either case... it won't take me too long to be with you again.

Merry Christmas, my love.


End file.
